Before I even get to the body of this post, allow me to tell you where I’m writing this from. I’m at the office, yes that’s right, my work place. So today is my first day at work though my job description is not that clear thus I’m at the reception as I wait for some lady to come and give me my description. I came twenty minutes later than when I was told to be here. How I snoozed the alarm clock for A WHOLE HOUR still remains a mystery to me. In the jav I whispered a littu prayer and a voice told me ‘it’s never that serious’ 🙂 It really wasn’t because now I’m waiting for the lady and I’m also waiting for lunch time. 🙂
About the post, I was watching news the other day and as they showed the KDF, this is what came to mind.
“It,s been eighteen weeks since I last rocked in your arms, that memory has now made me weak. Eighteen weeks, and each week I’ve written you a letter, black against white. Telling you of how I I’m fairing on, not so fair, not so lovely. See what makes me write this as I’m on my knees is that heart ache, because my heart has grown very fond due to your absence. Too fond infact that it now feels heavy my knees can’t stand the heart’s weight, so I bend them. Before I go any further, excuse the faded parts on this paper, they are as a result of my dried tears, as my heart tears. I’m sure you received my letter telling you that we are expecting a baby, today it kicked. That is the reason for writing this particular letter to you.
When I was a little girl, I always prayed to God for a strong, handsome man, accompanied with a big heart. I saved all my love for such a man and my oh my, baby you came with the whole package, with a ribbon tied to it 🙂 The laughters, the cries, the stolen moments, they all felt right. As fate had it, I walked down the aisle and walked wholly into your life, in the presence of the Holy God.
Your big heart is what made you go and try out to join the army and I’m sure they fell for your arms. Good things for the eyes, those arms. You are my defence force but they took you away to be Kenya’s Defence Force. So now I’m sharing you with the country. As you packed your bags, my heart sank, but I had to let you go, we needed bread and blue band on the table. My days would be worse with your absence but after all I am the one who said ‘I do’ for better or worse. The cold nights are hell, but what makes it worse is that I hear the bullet sounds in my head. I tremble and I silently cry. I fear for you and sometimes I imagine things in my head. I can bet you that I’m God’s most frequent whisperer. I keep whispering for him to keep you safe in that monster of a battle field.
I would choose to go and stay with my sister Christine but since she is a fan of locals, she keeps playing Sauti sol’s ‘coming home’ and Nameless’s ‘coming home’ and I just can’t stand that, it’s a painful playlist. So I choose to stay in our ‘home’, and sit on our bed, rewind the memories made there, that’s my play list, that I can stand. The other day, I was in the matatu, headed home after a good day at the shop(I managed to sell the mitumba at the bus station without getting caught by The City Coucil. Ha! I’m a bad ass like that) the radio station decided that they would play Diddy’s song “I’m coming home” I swear to you Diddy was writing about us when he asks ‘Is a house really a home when your loved is gone?’ Talk about total change of mood. I alighted the matatu. It was too painful a queston. Nowadays I am embittered by any citizen who wears combat. It’s like they are trying to rub it in my face that those who wear combat are still around.
I watch the news daily with half of a heart. Sometimes they report that soldiers have been killed. How is that to make me feel? They report that the war still goes on, heck the war in my heart sure goes on as well. To add insult to injury, at the end of the news bulleting the anchor wishes me a lovely evening. The only reason I watch it is because I hope that one day your spokesman will appear and declare how the war is over and how you guys are coming home, so that our house can return to a home. I have my hopes held high.
Today, the life in me kicked and it stirred a mix up of emotions within me. See that’s life that we have created, so divine. My heart and your heart literally into one and I have the privillege of carrying it in me. I remembered that you always said among the features you fell for for me were my fair skin. Then I start to think of those ladies in Somali land, how they have fair skin and then I tremble at the thought of that. Could one of them have possibly caught your eye? I choose to think not because the kick reminds me of our love. What reminds you of us? Forgive my insecurities, but what’s a woman to do when her only love is away and is unsure of when to return? With this words being my solace, I choose to put them down, black against white, as I go to whisper to my God.”
Tabasamu :) 