Days when the world feels like a safe place, when there’s no war at heart and all there is inside is warmth, those are the days peace resides in the mind. Days when it’s okay to be comfortable that in this world, one is completely alone. Days when the Bible Verses read are comforting, when after prayer you can feel God smiling at you. When there’s hope that the humble will be lifted and proud will be put to shame. Days when all smiles feel genuine. When there’s no color gray and I know my family and friends are content and comfortable those are the best days of my life. But they’ve become rare these days. One day, I will the best days of my life. One day won’t just be one day.
Bound…
She has you under a spell. She triumphs over you. She treats you so bad, you hate her, but your hate is so intense, you love her. You want to have her under your thumb, so you try. You buy her anything (almost) and take her for dates, just to please her. She doesn’t respect you but to get her (respect) you feel that you’ll go out and earn it, it doesn’t matter what it takes. You just want to be like the rest, who laugh with her and take long walks with her. She knows that, so she’ll play with you for as long as she has you under her spell.
Words in the heart.
My small brother tells me I have a weak heart. Here’s the deal, sometimes he doesn’t know how to crack jokes, so when he does, sometimes the “jokes” get to me. Anyway, that’s my small brother, I’m stuck with him and I love him…. To death.
Adele’s “don’t you remember”, I like the song. There’s a part where she sings “…I know I got a frickle heart…” I relate to that… A lot.
There’s a way how many things bother me. Small, big and average things. Though that does not mean I’m a sad soul. No, infact I laugh so much especially at ironical things. I like smiles 🙂 they are so smiley. However, if small things didn’t bother me, more of my smiles would be genuine. See some people say that to live happy, care about very little things. I tried but somehow my nature couldn’t comply. To live is to feel. Problem is, these thoughts of mine, they need to take a chill pill especially in the night. They’ve given me ulcers, surely that’s enough. But I pray and cry when I’m bothered, it’s allowed. I feel lighter. December is going to be a good month, I can feel it. It will still involve a lot of thoughts, prayers and tears, but something tells me that those tears are going to be those of joy, relief and amazement (in the positive) it’s going to be a good month ’cause it’s the month that mothers my birthday 🙂 and it’s the month I’ve gone back to writing and playing guitar 🙂
Words, scattered.
Scattered words, random. Words in the mind, thrown all over this page. Words that are different but won’t make a differece, words that have sense but make no sense. Words, random. Thoughts, many. Thoughts that are not in order like our MPigs in the August House. Thoughts that are not particular and have no direction. Just thoughts. Pain, intense. Pain that comes with no lesson, pain that I wish didn’t exist. Pain that will be back soon. Love, innocent. Love that brings me to tears, love tender and should be tendered. Stress, unnecessary. One thing needed, shut eyes, for sleep to take over.
Loud Secret.
That’s the thing with people. To people, a secret is something that needs to diffuse through walls.
You see, when the secret is ‘a done action’, it will have an audience. Then, from mouth to mouth, from phone to phone, it becomes a loud secret.
The more voice it gains, the many more different forms it keeps collecting. Ugly, stinking forms!
This secret now becomes impatient as it travels this long journey. Through the journey, it grows paws and claws and teeth, sharp teeth, ready to devour. It’s in search for that one individual it will massacre. That soul that has lived in lies because the secret was hidden from it. When it finds that soul, it’s a cannibal (think those Kitengela lions). And when it finds it rest, it takes the soul, feeds off from the pain and leaves it half dead, for the vultures!
(To the girl who’s about to find out that her lover is a cheat)
Your Girl!
This is what I’ve longed for, for such a long time, to be your girl. Wake me up, with a beautiful smile. Send some fresh air my way, to take away all my worries. As I breathe in, remind me to say a prayer of thanksgiving. Thankful that among many things, I’m your girl!
At the breakfast table, turn me to a male, so that I may eat like a king. Let my tummy feel like it is International tummy’s day.
Send the birds my way, so that they can put a smile on my face. Not because of the fact that they will sing, but because I will remember that I do not find the sound that birds produce anything close to music. Then I will smile because I will wonder what species of birds make people say ‘birds sing so sweetly’. Certainly, I haven’t come across them.
Allow the blind music players to be seated by the roadside, playing their music. Give me an extra coin so that the rhythm of their music will make my hand put in that coin in their tin. Then I will say a silent prayer for them.
Let me hear my voice and smile, think of it as beauty, let me sing, without being stopped. As your girl, allow me to hit the notes without cringing.
Let me learn more about my savior, Christ Jesus, so that I may be still and peaceful in the heart.
Give me all the reasons to laugh, to tickle so that when I say ‘I’m on the floor’, I mean it literally. 😀 Allow me to smile for all the right reasons.
Send in some teaser drizzle, the one that pours when the sun is still shinning, then I can look at the rainbow and tell my friends that today is a monkey’s wedding. Let me play in that drizzle, without worrying about anything, not even my hair or feet getting drenched.
Send those bands to sensationally sweep me off my feet, causing me to scream at their lyrical & musical ingenious! As the night falls, my voice will have gone because of all the cheering I will have done. My feet will be weary because of all the dancing I will have done.
Then, you, as a day, will finally break, and will remind me of the smile’s on the faces of the people I love. I will say a prayer, and be thankful that you have allowed me to be your girl, your little girl 🙂
Happy (middle) Endings.
You know how people(read parents) think that spending the whole day watching movies/series is a complete waste of time? Well I beg to differ. I prefer series to movies because of detailed scripts, and somehow you feel like you’re part of those in the series. For instance, when watching prison break, I felt like Scorfield &Lincoln were my brothers. When it came to One Tree Hill, Hailey was my bestie I’m not even kidding. This past weekend I opted to stay indoors. This weather has become an enemy, reason one. Reason two, sometime last week, my little brother told me that he’d seen a certain Mr. Mouse do a Bolt sprint into my room. So for the weekend I was going to be *drum rolls* Mrs. Terminator, or Rambo if you like. Picture me standing on bed with a broomstick, hitting the floor. Fortunately Mr. Mouse was no where to be seen. The next thing I did was soak myself in series, and this is what I learned :Happy endings come in the middle.
As I reflected on that, it made much sense to me. You know how in life you always pursue something hoping that it will give you a happy ending? Well, the happiness that you’ve longed for is always somewhere in the middle stage. In my case, last week was thoroughly bizarre to me. It reached a point where I was aloof and from my smiles, sadness was heavily pronounced. I did not know what it was that God was doing in my life, talk about darkness and oblivion. Fights with dad, anger, tears. Harsh exchange of words with sibling, anger, tears. Wars with self, anger, tears. Less prayers, more tears, darkness.
(If you are a first time visitor in this blog, you could take a look at a post titled ‘Handsome Caleb’ where I wrote about Caleb, a young handsome 16 year old boy battling with Leukemia.)
Fast forward to last week Wednesday morning, I receive a text saying that Caleb had gone to rest that previous night. That right there was the epitome of my sadness. Loosing someone who you are emotionally attached to is a big deal. More so, my heart ached for his mother and sisters. She’d forever lost a son and the girls lost their brother. I felt bad for his dad and brothers. More tears, darkness.
Right now, Caleb is in paradise, in a painless state, probably wishing that we do not soak ourselves in pain over his passing on. His happy ending came right in the middle of many of our intimate prayers. In the middle of hopes. Today, handsome Caleb is being laid to rest. Rest in peace handsome, your happy ending came in the middle of an intimate prayer.
My mama taught me better than that.
You know how some of wake up and plan our days thinking or hoping for them to turn out just as scripted. Well, in some cases, the day turns out better than expected, yet again, it(the day) may turn out worse than even imagined. Well, we never know what’s in store for us but each day we live in hope, hoping to have a good day, or just a polite one. Not something too much to ask for. Even when a day turns out to be monstrous, you still get on your knees, you don’t turn your back on God, no, my mama taught me better than that!
Tuesday afternoon, I leave the office with not much thought running through my head. It’s a cold afternoon, so the songs playing in my head are not the ribena/always advert songs.(On bright afternoons, you’ll stumble on such songs going through my mind. However, for this afternoon, a simple soft rock song finds its way to my lips. Then out of the blues, now in town, a stranger asks me for directions. I tell him I don’t know of any family bank around there so I walk on. He then walks with my pace & starts telling me stories. Now instead of walking away, I entertain him, surely, my mama taught me better than to talk to strangers.
In the long run, he ends up thugging my phone. Now if I write it here how he did so, those of you with beer bottles will end up smacking them on my head and for the luhya’s reading this, they’ll pour hot tea on my head. To save myself from such wrath, I do choose not to go into details onto how my phone stopped being mine. Just know that like the wind, I saw it go. When I realized I was the latest victim of robbery, I did not cry, no my mama taught me better than that, I laughed.
Mixed reactions going through my head but somehow laughter still lies upon my lips. Now I run to the nearest safaricom shop and replace my sim card. I remain dazed then I search for a simu ya jamii, he charges 5 bob a second. In less than a minute, I part with 100/= Surely I was tempted to shout idiot (pronounce as eye.diot) to his face, but my mama taught me better than that!
Because I was naive, I lost my phone. People still steal and the world is so damn dark, their hearts are filled with malice. No sugar no spice, not everything nice, no, you’ll find that in a cartoon, not in hearts. In their hearts, expect chemical X. When I told my dad the tale, he told me the streets rule, ;everyone in the streets is guilty until proven innocent’
That night I could have chosen to curse that man but I didn’t. I also won’t lie that I prayed for him. All in all, I learned my lesson – stick to the stuff that your mama taught you!
Handsome Caleb.
Do some things really touch your soft spot? Like really they just bring tears to your eyes? Quite a number of things do get me teary eyed. Say the ‘A Billion reasons to believe in Africa’ advertisement, when I nail a song on guitar, when I miss my mum or my little brother and so on and so forth. But you see those things don’t make my tears fall, they just leave them dancing on the edges of my eyes. Here’s one thing that really gets to me, leaving my tears fall and flow: when a young person falls prey to a critical disease, one like cancer.Sunday morning, I left the house with two main agendas:
1. Go to church for the service
2. Go to NPC Woodley for a concert ‘Let me live’
I did stick to my agenda so after attending the service, I was headed to woodley. On my way to town, I realized that I’d left my umbrella in the car but oh well I convinced myself it wouldn’t rain, despite the evident clouds that were threatening to let the waters loose. So I reach town, I’m balancing replying those ‘uko?’ and ‘umefika?’ texts, at the same time I’m strategically tying my scarf around my hair and also, debating on whether I should buy my lunch in town. Quickly, I rush to Nakumatt and get me some yoghurt and wafers then I’m now headed to Railways to catch the bus going to woodley. On my way there, it starts drizzling, but as long as my hair is safe, then I’m fine. Two seconds later, the drizzle turns to heavy rain drops, okay now at that point I had to be the savior of my hair, which only means RUN! It was funny but I did reach the bus, feeling like a super hero, my hair was dry, it’s all that mattered. The weather outside was defining one saying, ‘when it rains, it pours’. At that point I thought of going back home but I wouldn’t forgive myself. When I alighted, it was me and the rain, face to face, now my hair, wet. I had to walk to the church, no other option. No turning back.
Never mind that I’m now in church, dripping wet but hey, I’m glad to have reached safe, on time. On time baby. The ‘Let me Live’ concert was all about raising funds for Caleb, a 16 year old Form two boy who has Leukemia. This month, he needs to go to South Africa for a bone marrow transplant so that he fully recovers. This will cost 5.5 million shillings so the family is really working hard to raise the funds. By the time I was in church, I had no idea of who Caleb was, I just saw the advertisement on my timeline and since it was for a worthy cause, uniting with a couple of friends to go there was definitely time worthy.
Performances by Alice Kamande , Webi and Zidi the band kept us on our feet. OK so maybe I was exaggerating the dancing, in a bid to get dry.I think I may have looked as though I was more in a P.E lesson, rather than a concert. Adawnage were now on stage and to say that I love their music is an understatement. The type of music that takes you to a zone, I love it to bits. Then, the band members themselves are a bunch of lovely people. Just to mention, Mweshy, their bass guitarist enjoys himself on stage, always good to watch him perform.
Time came for us to be shown the clip about Caleb’s journey battling with leukemia and it really touched me. One, he is such a handsome young boy, you know those adorable hug-gable people, that’s him. Two, he was diagnosed with the disease when he was in class 6, which made him stop playing soccer. The disease also frustrated his academic performance. To have fought that disease for four years just goes to show how strong of a boy he is. He deserves to be enjoying his youth, playing soccer, going normally to school and et all. I saw him in person, even more handsome. (Yes I gave him a hug) As he and his family stood at the front of the church to receive greetings and money, on the background was Rosy of adawnage singing her song ‘Let me live’ It’s such a deep song with a deep background to why Rosy wrote it. Even then, it is a prayer asking God to let you live, and as we all reflected on that song, we all prayed to God to let Caleb live, handsome Caleb.
(tried posting a vid, not been successful. Follow @teamcaleb16 on twitter, for all updates. Their Mpesa line is 0727647085 account under Grace Kipkan-mum)
Disown the words.
Allow me not to use words, for they may fail to express what I feel.
Let the spark in my eye, that only comes when I see you speak what I feel.
Let my heart beat, that increases in rate when I hug you speak what I feel.
Let the unfading smile that I wear when I talk to you speak what I feel.
See that prayer for you that is neatly tucked in an envelope en route to heaven, the one in which I ask God to fulfill your desires, let it speak what I feel.
The way my body wiggles when I laugh at your jokes, let that show what I feel for you.
Let the slight beatings I give you not confuse you, no I’m not violent, but when my hand lands on your shoulder, let it speak a language of my emotion.
So darling, don’t ask me what it is I feel for you, because in words, I might spell love while it really is just like. Darling, don’t ask me what it is I feel for you, because in words, I might spell like while it really is love. The words, they might fail me, so tonight, just read my smile because I choose to disown the words.
Tabasamu :) 